Jim Stillman
Nevar
The essence of Passover
April 23rd 2008 19:17
I have just returned from a Passover Seder at our daughter and son-in-law’s home and I was struck by several things, in addition to the fact my grandchildren are far smarter and far more handsome and beautiful than I remember them from several weeks ago. The meal was perfect; the brisket wonderful; the wine was overly sweet for my taste but the occasion was without flaw.
However, the religious part of the Seder, a recounting of the escape of the Hebrews from Egyptian slavery, seemed out of touch with today’s culture and language. The prayer book was the same as can be found in the homes of observant and not-that-observant Jews in the United States, published and distributed by a major coffee company.
Many of the ritual prayers are written in Hebrew, but the English translations were awkward and stilted. For example, did God really speak in Elizabethan English? What’s with “Thou shall...” and so forth?
So I have attempted to shorten the tale, keeping its essence of a people to whom freedom of religion and an escape from slavery were concepts that were unheard of at that time.
Many, many years ago there lived a good man named Jacob. Jacob, like his grandfather Abraham, may have been a local notable with many animals and a large household. Jacob, his two wives Leah and Rachel and two concubines, Bilhah, and Zilpah, had twelve sons. Each of these lads eventually grew up and founded a tribe, but for now, let’s just consider one of them, Joseph.
By most accounts, Joseph was a good enough kid, second youngest, and sharp as a tack. His Mother, Rachel, and even his father, seemed to dote on the boy who seemed to have a knack of figuring out the meaning of dreams. It may have been his parents’ favoring him or his suggesting to his older brothers that, someday, he would rule over them, but in any event, the ten older brothers sold him to a bunch of folks passing through. Joseph was brought to Egypt.
Where he got in trouble almost immediately and was thrown into jail.
Meanwhile, Pharaoh was having troubling dreams and he was told of this kid in jail who was a whiz at saying what they meant. Joseph was brought before the Pharaoh and, to make a long story short, forecast years of super crops followed by seven years of famine. The Egyptians built huge storehouses for grain so that when the famine came, they were all set and, in fact, made a pretty penny selling the excess to foreigners, such as Jacob and his family, all of whom were very old. Joseph was put in charge of the whole operation.
Soon all the family was reunited and Jacob, his sons, their wives and children all came down to Egypt where they were treated well and prospered, opening delicatessens hither and yon, and becoming doctors.
About 400 years pass; Jacob, Joseph and the rest have all died, as has the Pharaoh who thought so highly of Joseph. The new guy, whose name is in question, became worried that these Hebrews were becoming numerous and prosperous and, in his mind, could join with foreigners who might invade Egypt or might join one of the rebel outfits that always were springing up. The Pharaoh’s solution was to put the Hebrews into slavery and force them to live under harsh and inhumane conditions and, finally, to decree that Hebrew boys were to be killed.
Moses’ mother saved his life by putting him in a basket, floated it down the river, where it was seen and removed by an Egyptian princess. (Even today, each Jewish boy’s mother feels he is worthy only of a Princess – but not a Gentile one.) Moses grows up in the Egyptian home, gets promoted a few times and is doing quite well, until he sees an Egyptian guard or soldier beating a Jewish woman. Moses gets really angry, hits the soldier or guard, kills him and then takes off before he can be arrested or whatever they did about 3500 years ago in Egypt. Usually it meant an episode of Law and Order – “Ripped from the Headlines”.
Moses leaves Egypt and end up in Midian where he gets a very rich father-in-law, Hobab, a wife named Zipporah, and a couple of children. One day, after 40 years with his new family, Moses is out tending the flock or something and he sees a bush burning with fire but not being destroyed. A booming voice comes out of the bush. “Take your shoes off”, says the voice, sounding a lot like Zipporah when Moses returns from a day in the fields and walks on the clean linoleum floor that had just been scrubbed.
Moses is a bit taken back but has been well brought up and is very polite. He says, as anyone would, “Hello, Mr. Bush.”
The voice replies, “I am not Mr. Bush. Nor am I Mr. Chaney or any of those jokers. I could tell you my real name but then I’d have to smite you. For now, you may call me ‘I AM’ and I have a job for you. I want you to go back to Egypt, and tell the Pharaoh to release all of the Hebrews from slavery.”
“With all due respect, Sir, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Moses relates how 40 years before, he had a bit of trouble in Egypt, that the authorities were still really upset with him and, besides, he didn’t speak that well. For every objection, the Voice has an answer. Moses will have a magic stick that can make water come out of a rock, turn itself into a snake and all sorts of spiffy stuff. Moses’ brother Aaron will speak for him. No one, up to that point, knew Moses had a brother; Aaron hadn’t been invited to the wedding, never sent as gift and, one might add, where was he when things were tough?
Moreover, the Voice assures Moses, He has ten plagues to be imposed on the Egyptians to convince them to let the Hebrews go. Each time a plague is used and Pharaoh wants to give in, the Lord (because that’s who Moses finally accepts the Voice to be) assures Moses that He will make sure that Pharaoh changes his mind so all plagues can be used. Even then, Jews were taught not to waste stuff.
So Moses, and Aaron, go back to Egypt, confront Pharaoh (who looks a lot like Yul Brynner) and, after the Nile turning to blood, infestations of locusts, boils, continuous darkness, disease among cattle called murrain and other stuff, Pharaoh is about to relent. But the idiot changes his mind again, and the final plague is scheduled for the next evening. The Angel of Death will fly over every home in Egypt, killing the oldest child; this is really tough on the oldest kid in the home, but these were tough times. Only the Hebrews’ families would be protected, the Angel would “passover” their homes. Get it? Passover!
The Pharaoh then tells the Hebrews to get out of Egypt and, before he can change his mind again, the people leave quickly. First, however, they eat some lamb, have a nosh. They do not have time for the bread to rise so they end up eating matzos with their gefilte fish and horseradish.
The people get to the Red Sea, Moses parts the water, the Jews escape; the water then goes back and drowns Pharaoh and his army, the rotten guy having changed his mind again.
And, to this day, we eat unleavened bread, avoid bacon wrapped in pastry and commemorate the delivery of the Jews from slavery in Egypt which allowed them to get beaten up by dictators, tyrants, members of the clergy and miscellaneous bigots from then on.
Things are easier now that a brewery in New York makes Passover beer.
Or as with all Jewish Holidays, Passover can be summarized as (1) they tried to kill us; (2) they couldn’t; (3) let’s eat.
Shalom.
However, the religious part of the Seder, a recounting of the escape of the Hebrews from Egyptian slavery, seemed out of touch with today’s culture and language. The prayer book was the same as can be found in the homes of observant and not-that-observant Jews in the United States, published and distributed by a major coffee company.
Many of the ritual prayers are written in Hebrew, but the English translations were awkward and stilted. For example, did God really speak in Elizabethan English? What’s with “Thou shall...” and so forth?
So I have attempted to shorten the tale, keeping its essence of a people to whom freedom of religion and an escape from slavery were concepts that were unheard of at that time.
Many, many years ago there lived a good man named Jacob. Jacob, like his grandfather Abraham, may have been a local notable with many animals and a large household. Jacob, his two wives Leah and Rachel and two concubines, Bilhah, and Zilpah, had twelve sons. Each of these lads eventually grew up and founded a tribe, but for now, let’s just consider one of them, Joseph.
By most accounts, Joseph was a good enough kid, second youngest, and sharp as a tack. His Mother, Rachel, and even his father, seemed to dote on the boy who seemed to have a knack of figuring out the meaning of dreams. It may have been his parents’ favoring him or his suggesting to his older brothers that, someday, he would rule over them, but in any event, the ten older brothers sold him to a bunch of folks passing through. Joseph was brought to Egypt.
Where he got in trouble almost immediately and was thrown into jail.
Meanwhile, Pharaoh was having troubling dreams and he was told of this kid in jail who was a whiz at saying what they meant. Joseph was brought before the Pharaoh and, to make a long story short, forecast years of super crops followed by seven years of famine. The Egyptians built huge storehouses for grain so that when the famine came, they were all set and, in fact, made a pretty penny selling the excess to foreigners, such as Jacob and his family, all of whom were very old. Joseph was put in charge of the whole operation.
Soon all the family was reunited and Jacob, his sons, their wives and children all came down to Egypt where they were treated well and prospered, opening delicatessens hither and yon, and becoming doctors.
About 400 years pass; Jacob, Joseph and the rest have all died, as has the Pharaoh who thought so highly of Joseph. The new guy, whose name is in question, became worried that these Hebrews were becoming numerous and prosperous and, in his mind, could join with foreigners who might invade Egypt or might join one of the rebel outfits that always were springing up. The Pharaoh’s solution was to put the Hebrews into slavery and force them to live under harsh and inhumane conditions and, finally, to decree that Hebrew boys were to be killed.
Moses’ mother saved his life by putting him in a basket, floated it down the river, where it was seen and removed by an Egyptian princess. (Even today, each Jewish boy’s mother feels he is worthy only of a Princess – but not a Gentile one.) Moses grows up in the Egyptian home, gets promoted a few times and is doing quite well, until he sees an Egyptian guard or soldier beating a Jewish woman. Moses gets really angry, hits the soldier or guard, kills him and then takes off before he can be arrested or whatever they did about 3500 years ago in Egypt. Usually it meant an episode of Law and Order – “Ripped from the Headlines”.
Moses leaves Egypt and end up in Midian where he gets a very rich father-in-law, Hobab, a wife named Zipporah, and a couple of children. One day, after 40 years with his new family, Moses is out tending the flock or something and he sees a bush burning with fire but not being destroyed. A booming voice comes out of the bush. “Take your shoes off”, says the voice, sounding a lot like Zipporah when Moses returns from a day in the fields and walks on the clean linoleum floor that had just been scrubbed.
Moses is a bit taken back but has been well brought up and is very polite. He says, as anyone would, “Hello, Mr. Bush.”
The voice replies, “I am not Mr. Bush. Nor am I Mr. Chaney or any of those jokers. I could tell you my real name but then I’d have to smite you. For now, you may call me ‘I AM’ and I have a job for you. I want you to go back to Egypt, and tell the Pharaoh to release all of the Hebrews from slavery.”
“With all due respect, Sir, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Moses relates how 40 years before, he had a bit of trouble in Egypt, that the authorities were still really upset with him and, besides, he didn’t speak that well. For every objection, the Voice has an answer. Moses will have a magic stick that can make water come out of a rock, turn itself into a snake and all sorts of spiffy stuff. Moses’ brother Aaron will speak for him. No one, up to that point, knew Moses had a brother; Aaron hadn’t been invited to the wedding, never sent as gift and, one might add, where was he when things were tough?
Moreover, the Voice assures Moses, He has ten plagues to be imposed on the Egyptians to convince them to let the Hebrews go. Each time a plague is used and Pharaoh wants to give in, the Lord (because that’s who Moses finally accepts the Voice to be) assures Moses that He will make sure that Pharaoh changes his mind so all plagues can be used. Even then, Jews were taught not to waste stuff.
So Moses, and Aaron, go back to Egypt, confront Pharaoh (who looks a lot like Yul Brynner) and, after the Nile turning to blood, infestations of locusts, boils, continuous darkness, disease among cattle called murrain and other stuff, Pharaoh is about to relent. But the idiot changes his mind again, and the final plague is scheduled for the next evening. The Angel of Death will fly over every home in Egypt, killing the oldest child; this is really tough on the oldest kid in the home, but these were tough times. Only the Hebrews’ families would be protected, the Angel would “passover” their homes. Get it? Passover!
The Pharaoh then tells the Hebrews to get out of Egypt and, before he can change his mind again, the people leave quickly. First, however, they eat some lamb, have a nosh. They do not have time for the bread to rise so they end up eating matzos with their gefilte fish and horseradish.
The people get to the Red Sea, Moses parts the water, the Jews escape; the water then goes back and drowns Pharaoh and his army, the rotten guy having changed his mind again.
And, to this day, we eat unleavened bread, avoid bacon wrapped in pastry and commemorate the delivery of the Jews from slavery in Egypt which allowed them to get beaten up by dictators, tyrants, members of the clergy and miscellaneous bigots from then on.
Things are easier now that a brewery in New York makes Passover beer.
Or as with all Jewish Holidays, Passover can be summarized as (1) they tried to kill us; (2) they couldn’t; (3) let’s eat.
Shalom.
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